Within the last few days, I’ve had to make a very painful decision. Next month’s trip to the cottage will be my last, at least as long as my mother is alive. Unfortunately, it was made painfully clear to me that she and I do not get along well enough to be able to even be under the same roof together, She recently broke a confidence, which has been difficult enough for me to deal with, but on top of that, when I was there last week, she began trying to order me about and tell me what to do. When I told her that she no longer had any say over what I did or didn’t do anymore, her response was to tell me that that may be true in my own home, but that while I was in hers, this was how it was going to be. This, on top of the broken confidence made me realize how little respect she has for me. Now, I knew that this was true to a certain degree, but up until last week, I didn’t realize just how deeply the lack of respect from her ran, I love the cottage because its connected to my dad, but I must now drastically limit my contact with my mother, And that means not coming to the cottage anymore while she is alive.
I’ve struggled lately with the trigger of not feeling validated. As in, not feeling seen or heard or feeling as though my feelings and opinions don’t matter. To be clear, this was not brought on by anyone who follows me here or any of my close friends that know and love me. This has been an issue from the time I was a young child and continues to be to this day. Recently, it came up again when Kanye West did something that was very insensitive. I won’t go into it here, I will just say, google Kanye West and I bet it will pop up, because its been all over social media and the internet. I was so angry about what I saw and heard him say during and after the incident that I started a petition on a petition site. But so far, only those closest to me have signed it. Hence the trigger.
I want to emphasize here that I am NOT fishing for people to sign it by saying only a few have. I am merely stating a fact. It takes a lot for me to come out in favor of or against something because of the issue I have with not feeling validated, and every time the issue comes up for me, it hurts me.
That’s what this post is gonna be, a hodgepodge of different things. So buckle up, it may be a bumpy ride. To begin with, I’ve been fighting a summer cold. Granted, it’s now in the ending stages, but I’ve come to the conclusion that summer colds are the WORST thing ever. Ugh.
Most of you know that I have a cousin who is in severe decline from lupus. On the first day of this month, quite literally, I learned that one of my former classmates from school died on that very day. Her death is still being investigated as it was not expected. Both of these things have really knocked me flat emotionally. One of the more difficult things of being an empath. For those not familiar with that term. an empath is someone who can pick up on the feelings and energy of others. Also, empaths feel things more deeply and strongly than the average person, so when bad things happen I get hit harder with it than most people. On top of this, I am also continuing to do what I do, which is try to make the world a little bit better by the end of each day than it was when I woke up.
There’s been a lot going on for me lately. I know I say that a lot, but this time it’s even more true than usual. First, the family stuff. My family, immediate and otherwise, has had a lot of loss to deal with over an extended period of time. The most recent one being my dad. Now, it’s looking more and more like there will soon be another one. This time, my cousin. She has lupus, which is an autoimmune disorder. Because of that, it can bring on a lot of other things as well. My cousin is just about at the end of her road we think. She is one of the “lucky” few for whom nothing has responded, and her doctors, who are tops in the field of lupus are literally out of answers. Each day she declines more, and is in so much pain that she cannot do even the slightest thing for herself. It is heartbreaking.
I also got myself into a bit of Twitter-related hot water last week when news broke that we lost Robin Williams. I won’t go into too much detail as some of it could be triggering for some, but suffice it to say, I paid the price for being forthright. I don’t usually speak out on hot button issues, but I felt compelled to do so in this instance because I’ve been on both sides of the coin.
I just got the news I’ve been expecting but dreading all at the same time. As of last week, my Goddaughter, whom I’ve always called Tinkerbell, has been adopted. Her mother fought as hard as she could to prevent it, but in the end, it wasn’t enough. My heart is in pieces,
My heart is very heavy right now. I recently returned from the cottage, and while there, I found out that my cousin Melanie, who has lupus, is in very severe decline. I know that there are many things that can be done to help this disease, but in Melanie’s case, her doctors, who are experts when it comes to dealing with lupus, have tried everything in their bag of tricks and none of the tricks have responded. As of the time I am writing this post, Melanie is unable to eat or keep anything down and her mother has actually said: “She’s dying.” Melanie is also in severe physical pain due to arthritis brought on by the lupus and also due to vascullitus, also brought on by lupus.
My family, both immediate and extended has endured so much loss since 2008, beginning with my cousin Lisa from breast cancer that year, My paternal Grandmother in 2010, and lastly, my Dad in 2011. The possibility of facing yet another one has knocked me flat mentally and emotionally.
My mother was discharged from hospital today and my belated birthday celebration will take place tomorrow.